anger

Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

/ JJS / Leave a comment

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Today’s readings:
Psalms 27; 147:12-20, Jeremiah 4:9-10, 19-28, Romans 2:12-24, John 5:19-29

Emotions can be knotty experiences. Rarely are they tidy, discrete, easily identified conditions that we can distill to the smiley and frowny emojis punctuating our text messages. Usually emotions are interdependent and tangled and deep and as hard to unearth as ancient tree roots.

Anger may be the most complicated of all, because it is almost always a secondary emotion that develops as a defense against fear or pain. Anger, while not inherently bad, can be destructive in our relationships firstly because most of us are not skilled at identifying its true root, and secondly because we are not comfortable cracking the shell of anger to expose the soft underbelly of “weaker” emotions it protects. Divorces, for example, are so bitter partly because it takes a lot of anger to mask a lot of pain.

When Jeremiah describes God’s anger at Israel, he compares their relationship to unfaithful lovers or ungrateful children. The imagery communicates the anguish underlying God’s wrath. The Israelites have pained him in terrible ways. Damage in this relationship is deeper than a breach of contract between business partners, or resentment between master and servant.  God is not imposing a calculated transactional penalty like an employer docking wages or a bank revoking credit. He is mourning a broken relationship and its inevitable consequences.

Jeremiah’s call for repentance raises anger among the people. Their anger is a defense around their shame. Their shame comes from knowing they are not in right relationship with God. We repeat this pattern many times, in many relationships, with many people. Repentance means accepting we have been wrong at a level so fundamental we must change our way of thinking, and that is a fearful thing to do. If we respond to that fear with anger – by hardening our hearts – we have little chance of repenting.

To be in right relationship with other people, including ourselves, we must first be in right relationship with God. To be in right relationship with God, we must risk being vulnerable. That crack of vulnerability is all God needs to flood our hearts and transform our souls

Comfort: All your emotions are allowed.

Challenge: Don’t be afraid to explore emotions that make you feel vulnerable.

Prayer: Loving God, give me the courage and wisdom to know myself. Amen.

Discussion: How would you describe your relationship with your emotions?

Join the discussion! If you enjoyed this post, feel free to join an extended discussion as part of the C+C Facebook group. You’ll  have the opportunity to share your thoughts with some lovely people. Or feel free to comment here on WordPress, or even re-blog – the more the merrier!

Deep Calls To Deep

/ JJS / 7 Comments

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Today’s readings (click below to open in new tab/window):
Psalms 42; 146, Proverbs 4:1-27, 1 John 4:7-21, Matthew 11:7-15

“Faith: Sometimes it makes you miserable!”

Not much of a sales pitch, is it? But it’s true. The church teaches us to depend on God always, but often we may feel as if God just isn’t coming through for us – maybe isn’t there at all.  Enduring such disappointment and confusion may be harder than rejecting belief altogether; after all, we can’t be angry with someone whom we don’t believe exists.

When and why did we start believing that doubt and anger stand in opposition to faith? Christ and Paul both taught faith does not protect us from the evils of the world, but promises us something beyond.

The author of Psalm 42 wasn’t afraid to express doubt and anger. He says tears have been his food while his enemies mock him by asking “Where is your God?” Their taunts feel like a deadly wound to his body. The psalmist asks, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me?”  Yet he knows he will praise the Lord again soon, even as his suffering continues.

Your suffering is not a failure of faith. Nor are your anger, confusion, and fear. Allowing yourself to feel these things is an indication of a solid faith that outlast all hardships. Expecting faith to eliminate such feelings can only end in a discouragement which truly does erode our faith. Your ability to cling to your faith during times of adversity is a much more powerful, truthful testimony than pretending faith creates all good times and no bad – people are too smart to buy that story.

Two images in Psalm 42 are especially well-known. One compares the psalmist’s desire to know God to a deer panting for water. Only God can slake the thirst for assurance, but the thirst will always return, and so the psalmist will always return to God. The other is captured in the phrase “deep calls to deep,” which refers to the primal cycle of tides and waves. They ebb and flow, rise and fall, but the power behind them is immeasurable, steady, and eternal. We can’t control the waves, but we can trust their creator.

Comfort: At every point in life, through every emotion, God is steady.

Challenge: Embrace your doubt; it doesn’t deter God.

Prayer: Thank you, eternal God, for understanding, accepting, and loving me no matter what my heart holds. Amen.

Discussion: Do you trust God to love you through your anger and disappointment?

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Undone

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Today’s readings (click below to open in new tab/window):
Psalms 98; 146, Deuteronomy 8:11-20 (or Deuteronomy 18:15-22), James 1:16-27, Luke 11:1-13

“Your anger does not produce God’s righteousness.”

What sobering words from James. Don’t we all have the capacity to work up a righteous (or self-righteous) anger? Shouldn’t evil and injustice make us angry?

Though wrath is reserved for the Lord, anger is an inescapable part of the human condition. We may spend a lifetime trying to master it – or trying to make sure it doesn’t master us – but on some level we cling to the belief that anger gets things done. Maybe we need to ask if they are the right things.

Anger is the beast that rips the wings off the better angels of our natures; the saboteur that dismantles our mechanisms of compassion and reason just when we need them most. Anger is the self-devouring fear we experience when forced to face the truth of one power we all lack: the power to undo. We get angry because something has happened, something we would have prevented if we could go back. When we are angry about what may happen in the future, it’s because we can’t change an event in the past. If that event is of our own making and anger turns inward, we find ourselves caught in a barbed net that draws tighter the more we struggle.

But Christ … Christ redefines the past. Christ transforms the cross – the murderous embodiment of the anger of an entire corrupt empire – into a sign of new life. Christ tames the beast, foils the saboteur. Submitted to Christ, anger is resurrected and refocused as a drive for justice, an energy for radical love, a passion for mercy, a courage for truth. Our anger does not produce God’s righteousness, but God’s righteousness can produce amazing things from an anger we are willing to turn over.

In the heat of the moment, anger may be unavoidable, even necessary for survival, but the most necessary armor will eventually suffocate us. Know when to peel it off, when to seek the breath of life, when to beat the sword into a plowshare. What we cannot undo, Christ will not leave undone.

Comfort: Your anger does not have to define you.

Challenge: Read some articles or books on managing anger.

Prayer: God of peace, take my anger and resurrect it as love. Amen.

Discussion: How do you usually deal with being angry? Shouting? Silence? Violence? How do you feel about it?

Join the discussion! If you enjoyed this post, feel free to join an extended discussion as part of the C+C Facebook group. You’ll be notified of new posts through FB, and have the opportunity to share your thoughts with some lovely people. Or feel free to comment here on WordPress, or even re-blog – the more the merrier!

Trial by Fire

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Today’s readings (click below to open in new tab/window):
Psalms 92; 149, Daniel 3:19-30, 1 John 3:11-18, Luke 4:1-13

“Nebuchadnezzar was so filled with rage […] that his face was distorted.”
– Daniel 3:19

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
– Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk

Anger can transform us until we are almost unrecognizable. When Daniel’s friends defied King Nebuchadnezzar’s command to worship a statue, his rage affected his physical appearance. It can also suddenly and drastically alter our personalities and turn simple disagreements into longstanding feuds and inconsiderate highway maneuvers into deadly confrontations.

Anger often masks fear or sadness. Though Nebuchadnezzar had no obvious reason to be afraid, like every king he realized authority ultimately rests on the people’s willingness to accept it. Open acts of defiance threaten power. In our own lives anger can be a defense against the fear of losing a relationship, security (physical or otherwise), status within our group, or a sense of control. Where fear looks forward, sadness looks backward. When the grief of a loss which has already occurred threatens to overwhelm us, or when we feel forced to suppress it, it can come out as anger, frequently misdirected and over a long period of time.

Nebuchadnezzar threw Daniel’s friends into a furnace hot enough to kill the men who forced them inside, but his anger dissipated into astonishment when they, with the help of an angel, survived and emerged unharmed. Overcome with fear of the Lord, he decreed that none should blaspheme against God, and promoted the friends.

While we won’t face an actual furnace, we may have to endure a metaphorical trial by fire to love someone through their anger. We don’t have to tolerate outright abuse, but understanding where anger comes from can help us handle it differently. For example, if a co-worker’s anger catches us off guard, our reflex is probably to respond in kind, but it’s more productive to let them see Christ at work in us. We may never know what’s going on inside the person, because everyone has pain we don’t get to see. Responding to anger with love and faith may be the witness that helps someone see the promise beyond their pain.

Comfort: It’s permissible to express your fear and grief.

Challenge: Eventually you have to express your fear and grief.

Prayer: God of Love, teach me healthy ways to deal with my emotions. Amen.

Discussion: What makes you angry? Can you relate that to a fear or a sadness?

Join the discussion! If you enjoyed this post, feel free to join an extended discussion as part of the C+C Facebook group  or visit comfortandchallenge.tumblr.com. You’ll  have the opportunity to share your thoughts with some lovely people. Or feel free to comment here on WordPress, or even re-blog – the more the merrier!

God Will Wait

/ JJS / 2 Comments

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Today’s readings (click below to open in new tab/window):
Psalms 42; 146, Deuteronomy 6:16-25, Hebrews 2:1-10, John 1:19-28

In church we learn to praise and worship our God. We thank God for the good things in our lives, and ask for his strength during the bad times. We admire people whose faith remains rock-solid  during times of crisis, and aspire to have that kind of faith ourselves. Expressing negative emotions about God, not matter how true, seems out of place in most Christian settings.

So let’s thank him for one more thing: the psalmists! They were not afraid to rail at God when things got tough. The author of Psalm 42 declares: “My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me continually, ‘Where is your God?’” This psalmist is not afraid to ask: “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?” And these were not private episodes behind locked doors where the other faithful could not see and judge: they were public declarations recorded for the ages. If psalms of lamentation made it into the Bible, maybe it’s all right to express such feelings ourselves, even in public.

God is not a a fair weather friend who turns away when his feelings are hurt. During Rosh Hashanah, faithful Jews make atonement for their failings, but part of the tradition also involves calling God to account for the state of the world. The very name Israel means “wrestling with God.” We are not required to be always happy or even satisfied with God. It might be impossible, since we are built to be in a relationship with God, and all deep relationships at some point experience conflict.

An argument does not end a real relationship. Handled properly, it is a chance for learning and growth – though when we argue with God it is almost certainly we are the ones who need to grow. The psalmist closes by telling his soul: “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.” If at this or any moment you are angry with God, it’s not the end of the relationship. God will wait.

Comfort: God’s grace will always outlast your anger, sadness, or fear.

Challenge: When you are angry with God, be honest about it; God already knows.

Prayer: Thank you God for the loving patience you show me always. Amen.

Discussion: Are you comfortable expressing anger at God to yourself? To others?

Join the discussion! If you enjoyed this post, feel free to join an extended discussion as part of the C+C Facebook group , visit comfortandchallenge.tumblr.com, or follow @comf_and_chall on Twitter. You’ll  have the opportunity to share your thoughts with some lovely people. Or feel free to comment here on WordPress, or even re-blog – the more the merrier!

Pain is a Four-Letter Word

/ JJS / Leave a comment

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Today’s readings (click below to open in new tab/window):
Psalms 137; 147:1-11, Joel 2:12-19, Revelation 19:11-21, Luke 15:1-10

Psalm 137 is rough. Written by Israelites in Babylonian captivity, it expresses sorrow and rage. Because their captors demand to be entertained, the psalmist asks: “How could we sing the Lord’s song in a foreign land?” How demoralizing it would be to perform your songs of worship for the ironic entertainment for your oppressor.

Some mornings we feel like we have woken in an unfriendly foreign land. Oppression, real and perceived, weighs us down while the world demands perhaps not that we entertain it, but that we at least rise above our emotional and spiritual exile. Christians especially are taught and expected to be nice, as though tamping down our feelings for the comfort of others is some expression of love. Nice is not the same as good.

We need Psalm 137. We need the ugliest, most vile parts of it. When we read “Happy shall they be who take your little ones and dash them against the rock!” we are rightly appalled, but then we probably haven’t watched our infants being slaughtered, as did the people of Israel. Who among us doesn’t have some instinct to hit back? We can do the actual hitting, or we can follow Christ and love our enemies … but the sorrow and anger don’t simply disappear. Psalm 137 was sung by a community needing to purge its pain. The words are offensive, but they are just words. Some people find offense in hip hop, in screamo, in lyrics using four-letter words decrying far worse injustices. We embrace songs about war and revenge as patriotic classics. These are the modern versions of Psalm 137. They give us release and expression of things we know we can never really do. Sometimes, to get to good, we need to abandon nice for a while.

God can withstand our anger and fear. There is catharsis in sharing and releasing it in faith with others who understand it. There is danger in not doing so, for pain guides us only to more pain. Wail when you need to. Purge with your words. Then heal with your deeds.

Comfort: Your pain is valid.

Challenge: When people use words that offend you, look behind them for a source of pain and opportunity for healing.

Prayer: God of justice, hear my cries. Amen.

Discussion: Are you comfortable expressing pain, sorrow, and/or anger? How do you do so?

Join the discussion! If you enjoyed this post, feel free to join an extended discussion as part of the C+C Facebook group or follow @comf_and_chall on Twitter. You’ll  have the opportunity to share your thoughts with some lovely people. Or feel free to comment here on WordPress, or even re-blog – the more the merrier!

Quick To Listen, Slow To Speak

/ JJS / Leave a comment

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Today’s readings (click below to open in new tab/window):
Psalms 67; 150, Esther 3:1-4:3, James 1:19-27, Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18

Fire and brimstone. Hellfire and damnation. Pulpit pounding and Bible thumping. These (mostly) unfair representations of the Christian church persist for a reason. As with any group, angry voices are generally the loudest voices, and the loudest voices are the ones people hear and remember. We can blame the media for neglecting our daily efforts to feed the hungry, while focusing attention on headline-grabbing events where rabid protesters chant “God hates f(ill-in-the-blank)s” but we also have to acknowledge Christianity’s self-inflicted reputational wounds.

James tells us: “Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness.” He also says “If any think they are religious, and do not bridle their tongues but deceive their hearts, their religion is worthless.” Quick to listen. Slow to speak. Bridled tongues. Basically the opposite of the behaviors our culture reinforces.

Practicing our religion does not mean getting angry when others don’t feel compelled to support or observe it with us. The Gospel doesn’t sound like good news when our message is effectively: “The freedom and joy I find in Christ are so great that I will socially, politically, and legislatively force you to comply with and enjoy it.” Anger is a bully, and we can’t bully someone into knowing Christ’s love. We can’t (and shouldn’t) even bully all Christians into believing exactly the same things.

What we can do is stand firm in love, however we understand that. It is absolutely possible to hold fast to our convictions without attacking those who challenge us. Tone matters: to many people, it may say more about us than our actual words do. Listening to our opponents and enemies isn’t the same as endorsing them. It may even open a door for us to face some unpleasant truths about ourselves.

When we stand firm, let us tilt our ears to listen. When we shout for justice, let us shout from atop a mountain of love. When we reveal sin, let us blanket it in the hope of reconciliation. Good news delivered in an angry voice is merely noise.

(For further thoughts on today’s reading from Matthew 6, see Keep It In The Closet.)

Comfort: Anger is exhausting; you can let it go.

Challenge: This week make an effort to hear what people are saying without trying to formulate a response while you listen.

Prayer: Loving God, teach me when to speak and when to remain silent. Amen.

Discussion: What angers you so much you can’t hold your tongue?

Join the discussion! If you enjoyed this post, feel free to join an extended discussion as part of the C+C Facebook group or follow @comf_and_chall on Twitter. You’ll  have the opportunity to share your thoughts with some lovely people. Or feel free to comment here on WordPress, or even re-blog – the more the merrier!